Oh Holy Fuck.

While meandering around the internet this fine evening, I reached one of my most frequented humour-related sites: Cracked.com. Now, when one reads this site as often as I do, you expect to find articles with such names as "7 Tricks Tony Hawk should have done in the White House" and "How to take Naked Pictures of People." So, when I came across "8 Ingenious Ways Animals outsmart Predators" I so chest-ily (Heh!) thought, "Great! I bet this'll have something explaining how young women avoid being picked up by Russell Simmons! Yuk yuk yuk."
Boy, how wrong was I.
I came across, quite possibly, THE most terrifying thing I could fathom.

The Vampire Squid.

When I consulted Wikipedia, I noticed first and foremost that it reads like a horror novel. Though one of the first things it says in "Physical Description" is that the vampire squid poses no threat to humans, due to it's size, I beg to differ: it will haunt your dreams Freddy Kruegar style.
There are mostly two types of Vampire Squid, that vary in degrees. A "velvety jet-black" variety and it's "reddish" counterpart. They are essentially the same thing.
Pictured here is the black:


(Sorry for the picture repetition if you already read the article - those bastards got to it first)

And the Red:


It kind of goes without saying that these fuckers are directly from your nightmares.

The vampire squid is covered in "light-producing organs called photophores." Seems innocent enough, a gelatinous thing lives in the deep sea, it should be able to see, right?
Wrong.
The Vampire Squid actually has highly sensitive eyes that can sense other objects/animals moving overhead. So why is this necessary, you may ask?
In a predator defense known as "pumpkin" or "pineapple posture," these squid, rather than serve as wacky centre-pieces at theme parties, invert their webbed arms over it's body and present themselves as fucked-up, glowing, skeleton jell-o.



The ends of their glowing arms are clustered at the top of their body and their most prominent photophores glands do some fucked up shit (that hearkens back to Children of the Corn) to divert predators. 'Cause, I mean, hey, why not have something bit off that you can grow back? Fucking masochists.

Other reasons they are terrifying:

1.) "Their powerful beak-like jaws are white as ivory" (Healthy, non-smokers) .

2.) "If vibrations impinge upon them, the animals investigate with rapid acrobatic movements" (The Cirque de Soleil defense).

3.) "Considering their environment, a fussy palate is unlikely." (They will eat you).

On a final note: Fuck these guys.



Cracked article:

http://www.cracked.com/article/143_8-ingenious-ways-animals-outsmart-predators/

Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_Squid

An informative video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5ZQH2Uzpew

Something scary as fuck:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLNq3doWkM4

The Most Terrifying Thing.

You can sort of think of this as a sort of public service announcement. This is me, telling you about the most terrifying thing. Now, there are a lot of things in this world that scare me. Such as: losing an appendage, moths, raw chicken, The Insane Clown Posse, wet chairs etc. etc. I could go on for a while. But there is nothing in this world, both concrete and abstract, that scares me more than this one thing. This one, horrible, disgusting, vile thing. The Squid.



*It is also important to mention that when I say squid, I mean: squid, octopi, and cuttle fish. Also known as cephalopods.

I cannot even watch a video of these things without squealing in horror like a little girl. Though, I do on occasion spend an hour or two trying to find the most terrifying video possible and make myself watch the whole thing, from start to finish. No matter how many times it takes me. It's some sort of sick masochistic thing that I don't care to try and explain.

Why they are so fucked up:

1.) The Ink Sack
Though the ink they squirt at predators is mostly melanin, a large portion is made up of mucus, or "snot." "What makes this so fucked up?" you might ask. Well, that it comes out of their anus. That's right, that cute little pink octopus in Finding Nemo? She is shooting out butt-snot.

2.)The Beak
Now, I won't mention the obvious freak of nature here. The fact that there is a BEAK on a sea-creature. No, that I can forgive because God can be pretty fucked up. (ie: The platypus). What I speak of is its inherent evil. First, poor creatures are entangled in their disgusting tentacles and just when they think they might have a chance, this evil fucking bird beak comes out of what looks like an anus, I might add, and the thing eats them alive, bite by bite! That's messed up!



*It looks like a very dangerous backdoor to me.

3.) They have three hearts...three green hearts.

4.) Their Tentacles.
This one kind of goes without saying. They are snake-like, numerous and slimy. Oh, and they can completely rip you to shreds. Not only are they unbelievably strong, but the suction cups have little curved claws on them, not unlike teeth.
Which brings me to my next point:

5.)The Giant Squid.
In 1978 a naval vessel, the USS Stein was damaged by a giant squid. It left scrapes long its hull from those freaky-ass teeth things. They can grow to be 14 metres, or 46 feet long.
Needless to say, you see one...you're dead.

6.) Just look at them. Fuck.

I could go on and on about these things. Literally. But, I thought that maybe this video could speak for me.
Oh, and I'm sure a lot of you have pondered, at least once over the years, "I wonder why it is that Katie never goes swimming...hm...puzzling."
Well my friends: This is fucking why, you asshole.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGMT99i00M4

Important Food.

Hey there lamp post, what'cha knowin'? I've come to watch your power flowin'.

Howdy!
I have been thinking. For a long time. I would have to say about 56 days now, about the importance of diet.
There has been a lot of talk in various media outlets about this very topic SO I thought, because I only speak of very important, pertinent information relevant to our changing environment that I would take a stab at giving my own advice on what a proper diet should contain.
Now, this is no easy task. Where does one begin? Well, I will tell you. My belly. Well, maybe more my refrigerator. But, they are basically the same thing if you don't mention the whole "below ambient temperature" thing.
Actually, while we are on the subject, why does the word "refrigerator" have a "re" on it? Does that mean that everything that is supposed to go in it should be frigerated first? Prior to placing them inside? I will have to consult Wikipedia, or perhaps Jerry Seinfeld. He seems to know what the "deal" is with a lot of things. Is it possible to contact him without a publicist?
Any-hoo. So, I thought that in order to convey to you what you should be eating, I have decided to post pictures of my favourite foods. They are all part of a healthy diet and should definitely be incorporated into your diet.*

1.) Heart of Palm, Bulgar's Thigh, Palmito, Chonta or Swamp Cabbage
This gem can often be found in what is known as the "millionaire's salad." It is literally the middle of a tree. I like these for a number of reasons such as : a.) you obviously have to be a millionaire to eat them. b.) It kills trees in my hungry wake (trees are freeloaders on the food chain ie: Venus Fly Trap[even though they are technically just plants, trees are plants which means that all plants are trees]). and c.) I feel really powerful when eating them because I AM EATING AN EFFING TREE!
Oh, and they are delicious.

2.)Newman's Own: Balsamic Vinaigrette

Paul Newman. 'Nuff said.
Well, maybe I will just add : look at that effing costume.

3.) No Name Cola

Now, let me go on the record as saying that I really like any type of cola. I find it to be the most enjoyable drink.
BUT there is something about this particular brand that I can't get enough of. I think it's because it reminds me a communism.
Though I do not condone communism per se, it is always fun to pretend.
Moving on.

4.) Peanut Butter and Olive Sandwiches


These sandwiches combine two wonderful things: olives and my mind, with one gross thing: peanut butter. I think because the good things are SO good they over power the disgusting-ness of the vile nut-butter to form the most glorious sandwich you will ever eat. It is the sandwich of kings!

This is all I can do. This stupid site won't let me upload any more photos.


-Steers and Beers
K-Bleet

*maybe.

So, this is a comic I made about this guy that you probably don't know, mostly because he is the coolest one on the internet and you probably don't know him because you are here.
Also, if it is too small for you to see you might be able to click on it to make-big. But also, you might not be able to. So, you could copy it and embiggen it on your PC. But don't steal it because I know how you internet people are. You like to steal things. And stealing makes little baby jesus cry. Not the scary jesus with the blood and the hair and everything. The cute one in the bassonette. Oh yea, and have you ever heard of lemmings? You're the reason they jump off cliffs.
Anyways, I might make more; I might not.

P.S. I'm not sure if that was the right way to use a semi-colon but they are totally my favourite punctuation.

P.P.S. Why the hell do I keep saying embiggon? Oh well, it doesn't matter, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

Beers and Steers,
Katie

Science in Practice! (Sort of)

So, I was told that this is the longest survey in the history of surveys. But, I seriously doubt that statement. Mostly because, has anyone ever hypothesized, gathered all the empirical data, weighed the information against that of others and come out with a serious, without-a-doubt answer? But then I thought, to find this out, wouldn't you have to do a survey of several people to find out what was the longest they have taken? And then maybe, in doing that your survey has taken WAY more time than this dumb survey that you started out with EVER would. And yours actually has science. Then it got me to thinking, do they mean the longest survey I have ever taken? If so, have you been spying on me?

Besides that, its really just a bunch of questions that I am going to answer. (Actually most of them aren't actually questions, just statements meant to invoke questions, kind of like those Rorschach blot tests [but not that guy from the Watchmen, only sort of]).

1.) Single or Taken: I am taken. Actually, there was this one time I tookened a bunch of vitamin C pills to make sure I wouldn't get a cold. But, you know what? I got one. And then I thought, maybe the vitamin people have this thing going on where they put cold inside their pills so you think you need more pills and keep buying them and getting sick until your spiraling down into this ecenacia/flu induced stupor where you think you are on a pirate ship because you have a fish-tank in your bedroom and you keep hearing the neighbours yelling at their dog "Frasier." But then, I looked at the pills and they had these weird spots on them. I didn't check the expiry date but I'm pretty sure that means they are poison.

2.) Happy about that? About taking expired Vitamin C? Sure, it taught me a lesson to never try to heath-en yourself.

3.) Siblings: I have a brother. Once, he put a big yellow bean bag on my head and I thought I was suffocating. But then, when I stopped screaming I realized my whole family was passing me around like a child on their christening (with a bag on their head) laughing hysterically because I could really actually breath even though I thought I was dying and they kept on going and going until I was crying instead of screaming and I ran away to become an acclaimed actress who channeled my experiences with the bean bag to win several academy awards. Or something like that.

4.) Eye color: Green. But there was this one time this guy was trying to hit on me (I think). And he was like "Oh your eyes are so dark" and I was like "Dude, my eyes are green....light...green." And he felt all stupid 'cause I said it in front of the whole room and also because he kind of looked like Eminem who was totally obsolete by that time.

I actually think that might be all I'm going to get into for right now. I know you are probably really disappointed because I told you it was the longest survey EVER and I only got through four questions but I mean, come on, one cannot be expected to finish such a LONG survey in one sitting. SERIOUSLY.

Beers and Steers,
Katie